Ever since I could remember, I have never wanted to be identified by any one aspect of me or my life. I never wanted to be known only for my career or something I did. I always wanted to be a collection of many varying interests and achievements. The only problem with being so diverse and overly well rounded was that I never was able to fulfill any of my potential at anything. “Jack of all Trades Mater of None” fits me to a Tee.

One of the facets of my life that is well known is that I am a music… person. I struggle to call myself a musician. I see musicians as those that create, that know more music theory, or are true artists. I just sing with an above average voice. It’s fine. There was a time, however, when I wanted nothing more than to be a professional singer and performer. Since about the age 20, my body has decided it wanted to digest my vocal cords. I have had a hiatal hernia, which has caused my stomach acid to progress into my esophagus and damage my throat including my ocal cords. The result of which is significantly diminished vocal range and endurance. Try as I might, I have never been able to fix it. Surgery, pills, dietary changes only managed to reduce it. Needless to say, I am now thankful I never did attempt a music career. I went into IT.

Which is another aspect about me. I am a bit of a computer nerd. Not in such a way that I live and breathe it, or I would have been much more successful. Rather just enough to be better than average and to afford me an above average life.

What IS strange is that I have yet to combine these 2 aspects. I don’t have an electronic instrument at home, I rarely use my technology for musical purposes save for playing songs. I never made very many mixed tapes or any playlists. Suffice it to say, I became a musical technology curmudgeon. I was very late on the Spotify bandwagon. It wasn’t until the last 3 years that I really began to use it more than buying an album in ITunes.

All of this to say I am pleasantly surprised at the amount of new to me music I have learned since I have embraced the new Way. I have been introduced to fantastic work music, long play lists for meditating and calming, new music by new artists that I never would have had heard I not picked some random playlist made by someone else or, worse yet, one the AI put together for me. Some of you reading this may be rolling your eyes at my crotchetiness. To that I say: 😛

One of the artists I was introduced to is a guy by the name of Ben Rector. Many of his songs are not the traditional and common place love songs. Some are about friendships, self improvement, “What If”, etc. I feel as though he may be an older soul than myself with all the nostalgia he likes to peddle. I feel no shame in admitting I have listened to his albums over and over in the couple months since I was introduced to his work.

One of his songs relates to one of my previous posts quite nicely. In “Note to Self”, Ben is writing several notes to himself to help him through the day, week, month. “Clean the living room,” “Do that week old pile of clothes.” “Do the things you don’t wanna do.” In other words “Be Intentional”. The song speaks for itself and is not a bad get you going kind of jam. 5 stars.

So this writing thing isn’t quite going to plan. I had intended to come up with something more frequently than once a month. I even started an outline to help shape up and frame my next post. Strangely enough, that in an of itself would have been considered out of character for me, planning and not just jumping in and doing, especially for a burgeoning hobby? Ok, sure, I have been known to rehearse for hours every week, and maybe I have prepared for an audition or 2 for a few hours a weekend, but that was someone else’s schedule I was following. I’ve never been one to be careful (read: intentional) from start to finish. Who am I?!?!?

We can all relax. It didn’t last. Stream of consciousness is more who I am, thinking on the fly. That outline got to be a whole half a page! And it did serve a purpose. Or at least I thought it should. There have been times, particularly after reading a good devotional or having some of those conversations with others inside my head, I would have a Eureka moment! A brilliant idea I wanted to expound on… But because of the life I live, I would often not remember it 10 minutes later, or even worse, knowing this about myself, I would not do what it takes to ensure I could capture that thought for later.

I know I want to do this. I know I want to share my thoughts on faith, my struggles, my perspectives, in hopes that maybe someone somewhere gets it and is changed for the better. Even if it is a “Learn from my Fail” type of thing, which is why I am and will continue to be so liberal with sharing my failings and shortcomings. Not for any other reason than to help others by sharing my own journey, struggles, realizations, successes and failures. I want to be intentional. I’m just not very good at it.

Growing up I would always hear the phrase, “You are what you eat,” often times without fully grasping what it meant. Sure, we took it as a encouragement to eat healthy foods, but did we understand what we were being told? Looking at myself in the mirror, seeing my belt strain a bit to keep up with what my minds eye is forcing it to endure, I have a more in-depth understanding. One wonders if it is better to say “You are what you HAVE eaten” instead. I am a product of the 40+ years of what I have shoved in my mouth, the level of effort and intent I have given towards my health and fitness. Illness and disease aside, so are we. Ok, sure, genetics can play a part, but the point is, I COULD be more fit today if had worked harder yesterday.

I don’t think I am alone in dreaming about an improved socio-economic status. I admire some of my friends and acquaintances for the influence they have. To be fair, it’s probably closer to jealousy. I try to not let it become that, but if I am honest, it sometimes is. Much like genetics, some had a better starting point than I did, although mine was better than most so I can’t and am not really complaining. That said, I recognize their discipline and years of experience has been fruitful. They have accomplished so much, have many people that look up to and respect them, and are influential in a variety of ways. They didn’t get there overnight, although that is a thing (Right, Paris Hilton?). They worked hard for it. Daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. I find myself day dreaming about what it would be like to do in their shoes. Spending their money isn’t what I fantasize about, rather, the ability to make a positive difference in people’s lives. The impact, the difference they can make.

One of the more painful admissions I’d care not to make is the kind of person I am. Once upon a time, I was considered by many to be nice and kind. I was always one of the “good kids” growing up. In high school, I would go on mission trips; in college, I was involved with the Wesley Foundation. Not only did I have a reputation for being a nice and positive, but I felt it, I was it. I genuinely was an honorable kid. Was a virgin, never drank, you name it. One summers day, ironically leading a mission project in Tennessee, I was talking with one of my coworkers/missionaries/whatever you want to call us. We were chatting about how we were both virgins… And why. The consensus was that it was because we had not had the opportunity to be “bad” as it were. Maybe it was because of our lack of confidence with girls that we never had been able to be in that situation. Likely, it had to do with the decisions we had made up to that point, the connected nature of our life choices. We hadn’t allowed ourselves to be in that situation.

You’ve heard people say “You make your own luck?” We all know someone who just gets all the breaks. The great job, the great spouse, the great kids. One day, they get a big bonus because their company had a great year! What luck! We also know someone who seems to have a little rain cloud over their head. Late on bills, sometimes in and out of the hospital, or bad health, car seems to breakdown a lot, etc. In both cases, it seems as though luck has them! They didn’t directly do anything to cause this outcome, it just “happened.” However, I think we all know that they both put themselves in the position to let things happen the way they do. The little decisions here and there that add up.

Here’s the thing about all of those little decisions, the ones where we brush off our inner voice and tell ourselves:

“Eh, it really doesn’t matter if I have just ONE cookie.”

“It’s not so bad if I meet her for a beer or 2.”

“I’m really tired. I’ll do it in the morning”

Because guess what? THEY ALL MATTER! Every decision you make, every action you take, matters to someone or some plan or goal. They effect us individually and collectively. At a macro level: climate change to the economy. At the micro level health, relationships, faith.

There are multiple chapters in multiple holy books that say just that. Buddhism is entirely how you are tightly connected with everything around you and how what you do touches everything else. The Torah and the multiple chapters in the Bible deal with the little decisions in your life. Deuteronomy tells you what kind of roof you are to have, the type of clothing to wear, what to do when a woman gets her period. The little things mattered. They were important. The eating laws were there to keep you healthy. If you disobeyed them, you could get sick…. or die! Some early and even modern Christians are concerned with the length of their hair and clothes. It was a good idea to mind the little things. It was and is a great way to live. We respect, remember, and in some cases even worship those who show us how to live by doing.

There just happen to be a few problems that arose. Over the corse of time, living a life of intent went from being important to being mandatory. Find yourself on the wrong side of one of these now edicts, and you could find yourself out of favor with your neighbors at best, stoned and killed at worst. We weaponized that which was supposed to help bring peace and order. We used it as a way to control others. We became consumed with the rules and how they should be followed. We forgot really why. We changed the why. We turned it into Sin. The story of Adam, Adama, Mankind… and Even is the story of man creating sin. While there may have been some apples eaten, man surely did create sin, but it wasn’t with the help of a snake.

And then here comes Jesus. Who in the midst of the cacophony of just how important all these rules are, he tells us “It actually doesn’t matter.”

I’m sorry, what? Did you say it doesn’t matter?

That’s right. “Love God; Love neighbor.” The rest will fall into place if you let it.

Whooooaaaaaaa….. This is too much. It matters…. But it doesn’t… but it matters… but it doesn’t. Anyone else confused by this?

You aren’t alone. Early Jews were. Pretty much every one of his followers didn’t get it. Paul didn’t really get it, not completely. The Jews leadership in some ways did, and they took it as a threat to their power. (Maybe that was, maybe it wasn’t. A theological discussion for another day.)

Our dualistic minds can’t accept that BOTH possibilities can be true. That living a life of intent is very important and at the same time isn’t. THAT is what Jesus was here to free us from: the bondage of our past. To give us new life, a new beginning, to be reborn, all of it is language to help us become released by our past failures. It matters, but it doesn’t matter. Jesus said we can’t worry about the past. Just worry about the future.

To many, the fire of the past is great motivation. To others, hope and encouragement are what is important. Jesus brings the hope while not completely removing the motivation. He never says the rules, the law isn’t important. It is. But it just isn’t.

The hardest part about doing something, anything, worthwhile is often taking the first step. I registered the page with the intent to make it about my Lenten journey. Lent has meant more and more to me the older I get. Growing up, it was a time where you had to give up something. I distinctly remember being asked in my second grade class what I intended to give up. All I could come up with was my favorite belt. Even at an early age I was quite the spiritual overachiever!

Now that I am… older… with a full life, a complicated life, with family, commitments, hobbies, the idea of lent is more appealing. A prescribed time through the church to help provide focus and clarity through giving up that which owns you, controls you, distracts you, and taking up something to give you focus. Replacing a vice for a verse is how I looked at it. I can’t help but think the world needs more of that, more depth, more focus. Life is more chaotic than ever now. We have the collective power of the planet in our pocket… and for some on our wrist. At an instant, we can know who won the 1929 World Series, or who was that actors or actress in that thing we saw once upon a time on TV, or what any person is saying anywhere around the world. It’s overwhelming sometimes! Not only that, we can have it right away. Who needs to wait for anything?!? Finally, with all this power, often times I find myself using it to feed my sheep or build a wall or acknowledge those distracting notifications. Talk about abuse of power! We can’t escape all the noise we give ourselves. How on earth have I found time for all the “important” things?

The answer, of course, is I haven’t. We haven’t. I’ve been consumed in those distractions. I have a list of things I want to accomplish in this life, yet what am I doing to achieve those? How can I through all the chaos? It’s enough to drive a…

Hold on…

Wait…

I’m sorry, what?

You’re telling me that for 6 weeks, I can give that up? I can focus my life in something other than myself? Um… yes please. Sign me up!

That is what lent means to me, an escape from what some of my brothers and sisters might call “The World” and to focus on something foundational. How refreshing! I can’t help but smirk at that. To think that calling lent refreshing. The Saints are rolling over in their graves! While it may not be the same type of experience our ancestors imagined it should be, a time of repentance, solemn reflection, and joyless waiting, it still is no less transformational and important in my annual walk.

And yet here I am. The middle of May, a full month after Easter, and I am just now getting to publishing my first writing. Instead of letting myself be consumed with the deliberateness and the spirit of the season, I let myself get caught up in all my distractions. I failed. Once again.

So then why do it? Why go through with it? Why are am I talking about lent when He is Risen indeed? Really, to set the table, for myself and for anyone who cares to read this. I begin in failure (there’s a reason why my favorite spot along the Galilean lake is called Peter Primacy). Let’s see where this leads…